sex

The most important thing you’ll need after giving birth.

Ok ladies, let’s get personal.

You’ve pressed a creature the size of a watermelon out through your va-jay-jay. It was thoroughly unpleasant but so worth it when you cradled that bundle of perfection in your arms. Now, life will never be the same.

Sadly, neither will that va-jay-jay. It’s more of a crime scene than a lady garden for a few weeks after you give birth. You get to hobble uncomfortably, sporting maxi pads the size of a complete and unabridged version of War and Peace while you try to deal with all the other new things that motherhood is throwing at you.

There’s more than a little trauma going on with your girly bits. The thought of sex is as appealing as washing your hair in baby vomit. For you, getting freaky is probably a long way down on your to-do list.

But poor hubby! Never mind what you’ve been through, he’s faced with with jugs that are triple the size they used to be and he’s desperate to get his hands on them. Now that his wife is no longer lumbering around with a whole extra person inside her, his ‘little soldier’ wants to spring into action as soon as possible. You were counting down to the birth. He’s counting down to the six week checkup, when the doctor gives the ‘all clear’ to proceed with the other thing that mummies and daddies do.

You’re gonna have to get back in the saddle at some stage. Maybe you even want to. Sex is a great way to forget about the zillion other things that you should be doing and to feel like a woman instead of a dairy cow.

So here’s the advice: it came to me, surprisingly, from my very straight-laced mother. She pulled me aside only a couple of days after I gave birth and said to me – “Get yourself some quality lube, because you’re going to need it.” Then she sent me a tube of her favourite brand in the mail. (For the record, it’s this one. I know it’s good because my son, who is now two, found it the other day and squirted it all over our wooden floors. Now nobody, not even the dog, can walk down the hallway without slipping).

There are so many gadgets and tools to help with caring for baby, but not much gets said about looking after the delivery portal that the precious bundle squeezed its way out of.

So there you have it, one more thing to add to the post-baby shopping list. Your husband (and your twinkle spot) will thank you!

 If you have any tips on – ahem – getting back in the game, share them in the comments.

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